i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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