WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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