you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
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You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
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Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
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