Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
