I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
