i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
