I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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