I can't watch pbs sober anymore
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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