yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
