I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
