Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
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Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
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Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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