he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
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Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
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I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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