I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
