Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
