We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I think people are normalizing furries
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize