So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
