i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
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