I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
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You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
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So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.