so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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