You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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