he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
