can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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