if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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