Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
