Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
