I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
vagina is talking i cant
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
