I can tuck mytits in my pants
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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