I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
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