What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs