when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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