There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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