I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
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