Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
