I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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