My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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