Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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