worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
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She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
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I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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