You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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