Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I wear drunk well.
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