Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
