I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize