I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
