So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
