God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.