Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP