Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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