I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
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bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
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That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.