I hope my margaritas pass through security.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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