the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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