In the future we'll all be gay
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
