my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
third nipple confirmed
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
